I FEEL GREAT!

      I started to title this blog "It's kind of depressing". However, you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. (Did I really just call all of my friends flies?) I figured that people would be more likely to read a blog entitled "I feel great" rather than "I feel like crap". :)
     The truth is I do feel great! This is the first time in FIVE PREGNANCIES that I have felt wonderful.  I have had Post Partum Depression...let me back up. With Jake, I had the "baby blues", that's pretty normal. With Charley, I had some slight depression and even went on *GASP* medicine for a little while.
     With Abe, it was HORRIBLE!!! I have never felt so bad in my life ( that I haven't blocked out). I felt absolutely awful! I withdrew from everyone. The only people I even wanted to talk to were my husband and my mom. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I would go on walks and want to just keep walking. I knew I was making my family miserable, I felt miserable , and I just knew that I everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Not dead, just not around. I have never wanted to hurt myself or the kids, I have just wanted to start walking and not come back. This was horrible. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who knew to look for warning signs of depression and told me to call my midwife ( he may have even called, I don't remember) . Anyway, I went on meds again and with the exception of a brief period around the time right before I got pregnant with Adelaide, I have been on them ever since. 
     I used to be of the mindset that "I shouldn't have to be on medicine to deal with my life". Some of you may feel that way. Yes, everyone has good days and bad days. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives. There is a disease though called depression. Sometimes it is temporary, sometimes it is chronic. There are different ways to handle depression. Some medicate . With chocolate, meds, alcohol, exercise, etc. There are good ways and bad ways to handle yourself. After Laidey I was OK, things weren't nearly like they were with Abe but it was still a pretty good bout of PPD. There was a time when I would (what I call) "rage". I would scream, yell, and lose control of myself over the most ridiculous things. It makes me cringe and cry to think about it now. To think about my little ones faces. They didn't deserve the misery I put them throughNo one deserves that. I would be as good as I could manage when people were around, but, when I was alone with them. It was like I couldn't control myself.  It makes me so sad to think of how I handled myself. Most of the time I would approach the children and ask for forgiveness for my behavior. At that point though, it's to late! The damage had already been done. After Adelaide I have been on medicine consistently. This is a good thing, it is not a shameful thing, it helps me to be a better mom and I won't feel bad about that.
     Now, back to the beginning. I FEEL GREAT! I really feel that I can say that 10 weeks post partum, this is the best I have EVER FELT. A lot of that I know is my attitude towards things in life. I have really been trying to go with the flow and not let the little things wreck my day. So, Abe ate all my Reese Cups (which is a SEVERE offense) , oh well. I didn't really need them. So, Charlotte spilled her cup at lunch AGAIN! oh well, just have her get a rag and clean it up. So, the tire is flat AGAIN, oh well, you really didn't need to drive the truck today anyway. These things are OK. Not because I am medicated but because I can handle them. I am in control of my emotions, they are not in control of me. I am still on medicine ( I am sure there will be a point where I don't need it anymore, but if not, that is OK).  My outlook is great. Sure I still have bad days, doesn't everyone? I  just look for the silver lining and am not cranky about the clouds. I am enjoying my kids more. Stewy used to say to me, "I just want you to enjoy your kids".  I would be so insulted by that "of course I ENJOY my kids, I'm their mother, I have to enjoy them!!!" I really didn't enjoy them though. Charlotte touched me too much and Abe was always (he still is) into something, Jake is so sensitive and he just needs to "man up" (he was FOUR for Pete's sake!!!) Now I really am enjoying them. they are fun, crazy, kids. I am so very very blessed that God chose me to be their mother. I really have no idea what I would do without every single one of them. God gave me these little souls to steward, train and return to Him unharmed. I am doing my best. I am so thankful that I am not alone in this journey. I owe so much to my husband. He has always been so very understanding and empathetic with me. I never would have made it this far with out him.
     Anyway, that is my story, well, just a bit of my story. (If I told you everything we'd be here till next Sunday!!) I hope that you all are enjoying this ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS weather we have been having! It's still March so we know to expect a few more chilly days , I will take the sunny days when I can get em. Have a wonderful weekend and I hope you feel GREAT!!!